After seeing myself on television on Tuesday, I decided that I will try to lose some (actually, a lot) of weight. It is near to impossible for me to exercise off this weight, as I have arthritis in much of my body; much of the time I'm in too much pain to move all that much. The illness is called ankylosing spondylitis (AS). Unfortunately for me, I do have a very aggressive form of the illness. That means that many more joints are involved besides the spine.

For clarity's sake, the illness is not actually arthritis, but that is the easiest way to describe it. It is a rheumatoid disease like arthritis, but it would be more accurate to say it is reverse arthritis. In arthritis, the joints become inflamed and then the cartilage in the joints breaks down. In AS, the joints become inflamed, but then instead of the cartilage breaking down, it is turned into bone and the joint becomes solid. When the joint becomes solid, then the joint can no longer move and the two bones become one. There is great pain involved while trying to move as these joints are being fused together. I have this happening in my entire spine, from my butt up to my neck, in my ribs, sternum, in my knees, hips, shoulders, etc. I don't know how far and fast this will advance, but I think eventually I will become like the Tin Man who can't really move at all. As it is right now, if I stand up and try to touch my toes, I can't touch my knees without bending my legs. I read on the internet a bit about AS, and I found it funny that they described the illness as causing "crippling pain." I tend to agree with their description. There is no cure for this illness either, but some pain management treatment. In some percentage of patients (no one will tell me what percentage) the inflammation will go to the heart (I forgot to mention that certain organs are involved in this illness as well, e.g. the eyes, etc.). If that happens, my valves will start to leak and my aorta will burst, causing me to die (quite painfully it seems to me). As it is right now, I don't bother treating my AS because every time I go to the doctor he yells as me for being so fat. I have only found one clinic in the area who can treat AS, so going somewhere else isn't an option. Regardless, having or not having AS is totally inconsequential to me; having a mental illness is so much worse than any physical illness. Physical pain is nothing compared to emotional pain. I even once heard a speaker with bipolar who also had multiple sclerosis (MS). He said his MS was easy compared to bipolar. I nodded me head enthusiastically when I heard that—it was rightly said.

But back to my weight-loss. Because I cannot really exercise, I thought I should try to eat healthier. I started doing that yesterday, and when I got onto the scale I was a pound and a half HEAVIER! I'm so disappointed. I'm going to talk to my psychiatrist about strategies for losing weight the next time I see him.

This medication weight gain is so severe. When I first went on meds, I gain thirty-five pounds. Then I went off my meds, and I lost thirty-five pounds in about two months. Then I went back on meds, to double the dosage, and I gained sixty pounds. Now I'm still up sixty pounds, even though about a two months ago I went off the med that was causing me the weight gain (I'm on a different medicine now). I'll keep you posted about how this weight-loss effort goes.