Tonight, after having dinner with a new friend, I went to the local bar for a drink. However, that drink turned into several, and while I wasn't sloppy drunk or anything, I had a buzz too strong for holiness. I thought I was pretty much over what I had thought was my hyperreligiosity, but then tonight, after drinking too many, I feel incredibly disappointed in myself. I had given up drinking entirely, but I found that I missed the socialization that I get at the bar. I spend nearly all day by myself, and in the evening, I get too lonely to stay in my condo alone. Therefore, I go to the bar to socialize and have a drink.

But now, after having drunken too much, I feel so bad about my lack of self-control. At the moment I don't care about the weight gain that results from drinking so much; instead, I'm honestly upset because I feel I have sinned against God. Is this real faith that is causing this state, or is this crazy faith? I cannot ever tell. All I know is that I feel bad enough that I'm debating giving up alcohol completely—again. I need to fill my time with something else then. Maybe I will distract myself with starting on my next book. That might be good.

I have been vacillating on what my next book will be, but I'm starting to understand what should be the focus. I'll just see how this plays out in the coming days and weeks.